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Triathlon Humor and other True Stories

What's the point of racing for 12 hours unless we can have some good laughs? Following is a collection of triathlon-related humor and goofiness.
Pay cartoonist Patrick O'Grady a visit.

On how to deal with drafters...

   From: Injury boy    Newsgroups: rec.sport.triathlon   Subject: Lauren Alexander gets what she deserves!!!   Date: Sun, 27 Jul 1997 22:03:42 -0700      Hi all,   So there I am at mile 39 in the half at Vineman, having been        passed by only one person since starting the bike leg ( I had       passed around 100), and hammering the course, when I hear this      sound, and realize I am about to be swallowed up by a huge pack     of about 20 cheaters.  No rider in this group could suck my wheel   on his best day because if they could they wouldn't be cought       dead in such a pack of wimps.  I said nice pace line to the first   few riders as they pulled up even with me and then I looked back    and saw the rest of this pack which was huge and included LAUREN    ALEXANDER the lead woman in the race.  I was so pissed at this             blatant cheating that I yelled a few choice niceties and then put          the hammer down, leaving this pack in my wake, I would have loved          to be able to pee off the bike at that moment but my bladder               would not cooperate in my plan to spray the pack.                          ...   More ranting to come later, James   

On the joy of eating power bars...

   From: Louis Savastani    Newsgroups: rec.sport.triathlon   Subject: Re: How can you make GU?   Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 08:59:44 -0500      John Argentati wrote:   >    > Does anyone out there know how to make GU?      Ingredients:      1 Powerbar   1/2 cup water      Blend Powerbar and water at high speed in blender    for 3 minutes.  Throw away contents.  Eat blender :-)      

A response to a thread of discussion "The LAST word on drafting."

   From: "Yaaargh!"    Newsgroups: rec.sport.triathlon   Subject: The FIRST word on drafting.   Date: Tue, 05 Nov 1996 11:20:45 -0800   Message-ID: <327F938D.5CDC@dirt.cave.rok>   Reply-To: parry@geo.ucalgary.ca      [Message forwarded from domain dirt.cave.rok]      Yaaargh say drafting bad. No draft in race. No draft before race. No    draft after race. Yaaargh no like drafting. Drafting bad. You like    drafting, Yaaargh say you bad, Yaaargh not like you. Marshall say you    draft, Yaaargh _know_ you draft. Drafting bad, Yaaargh no like you.    Yaaargh say you stop small time in square thing, you rest, Yaaargh not    rest. Yaaargh say bad. No care how long you draft, no care you not draft    but block, no care you no think small time then draft. Drafting bad - you    bad. Yaaargh want you stop. Yaaargh like better before when no drafting.    Yaaargh say before no square thing, no rest, no marshall, no drafting.    Before better, now bad.      Yaaargh have more points ...      Yaaargh say swimming good. No like sticky black thing. Sticky black thing   make more fast swim for not-Yaaargh. Sticky black thing bad.      Yaaargh say running hard. Yaaargh run bent over like friend Trog. Yaaargh   want stand up good. Yaargh not like tall not-Yaaargh go fast running.    Yaaargh ask Bear to stop go fast not-Yaaargh. Bear stop or Bear not stop,    Yaaargh keep try go fast. Wait for evolve.      --    Yaaargh                 |  "Har norph ninge ninge harhar.   tyaaargh@dirt.cave.rok  |  Blodd snurfl yarty."                           |             - T. Yurnph   http://www.dirt.cave.rok/~tyaaargh   

Responding to the drafting debate, Dan Reiley, Ph.D. of Bell Labs, Naperville, IL, (daniel.j.reiley@lucent.com (708)713-5444) on 23 Sep 1996 21:50:27 GMT writes:

Just because the pros are calling their [drafting legal] 10k race a triathlon doesn't mean the rest of us have to punt. Did you throw away your CD player when Mariah Carey hit the top 10? Did you move to Canada when you learned Thomas Jefferson owned slaves? Did you give up on finding any certainty in life when you learned Schroedinger's cat was neither alive nor dead? Hmmm... Maybe that last one belongs over in sci.physics.

mikebmill@aol.com writes:

The Top 10 Ways to tell a Power Bar from a Dog Turd

  1. Power Bars cost $1.69. Dog turds are free.
  2. Power Bars have shiny wrappers. Dog turds don't.
  3. A fly will eat a dog turd. I've never seen a fly eat a Power Bar.
  4. Dog turds get slippery when wet.
  5. Power Bars come in 5 delicious flavors. Dog turds only come in 1.
  6. Power Bars hold their shape in a jersey pocket much better than dog turds.
  7. Dog turds won't damage a lawn mower blade. The jury is still out on Power Bars.
  8. You won't find a Power Bar sitting on the ground in the park.
  9. Dog turds are made of naturally occurring substances.
  10. Dog turds are biodegradeable.
  11. You don't get a dog turd in the April issue of Miroir du Ciclisme.

On the value of doing longer races, trimensa@aol.com writes:

When at last year's great Floridian, it was announced that due to construction, the bike course would be extended from 112 to (114 or 116, I can't remember), I thought..."wow, more miles for the same money!"

On the laws of rounding off distances, brown@triton.mti.com writes:

There is some unwritten law that when I pass the midpoint between two 10 mile marks a must get to the next 10 mile mark. e.g once I reach 35.5 I must go to 40. Axiom: There is no such thing as a 90+ mile ride

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