Ausland Statesman (20 Dec 96):
Yesterday, in the long awaited "Battle of the Forest,"
Wood Elves fought for the title of Supreme Elf. The Oakwood Impalers (4-1) of Kevin Mooney traded blows with The National Park Caretakers (2-1) of Dan Becker in an evenly matched battle until fan intervention tipped the scales in favor of the Caretakers. As a result, the Caretakers went on to win this tight match in the last turn of regulation time with a final score of 4-3.
The match lived up to its billing, as both teams performed flawlessly until late in the game with neither a fumble or turnover by either team. The scoring began when the Caretakers fielded the first kickoff, and returned the ball in two turns to the endzone. The Impalers replied with their own two turn scoring drive. Like a metronome, the two teams traded scores until the game was tied 2-2 at the half "Classic elven play," said Impaler Coach Mooney, "both teams are playing flawlessly."
What defense can stop these Elven scoring machines? Each drive up the field looks like a swarm of bees with the ball carrier its queen in the center. Surrounding the carrier are blockers and wardancers of every kind, and on the outskirts of the formation are catchers awaiting quick passes. Into this maelstrom leap enemy wardancers, throwing blocks and blitzes at every opportunity. Forming a backfield defense, catchers and passers stand apart at arms4ength, an elven net waiting for the swarm to advance. And thus the swarm of 22 men, attackers and defenders alike, advance until a touchdown has been scored.
In the second half, the scoring continued in wardrum-like fashion. "I'm so excited, I peed in my stretch tights," said Caretaker Coach Spritle Tree-Hugger, "but at least the tights are already yellow from the non hypoallergenic, all-natural dyes we use." The Impalers received the opening kick, and in a few turns produced a score. The onus shifted to the Caretakers, who with a few accurate passes, and a few more turns also produced a score to make the game tie at 3-3.
But the tempo of the game had slowed. The elves appeared tired after running the length of the field so many times. The game was tied, but there were only two turns left, and the Impalers were ready to receive another kick. Then, as is possible only in the fast-running, deep-passing, high-leaping elven game, the damn cracked and all hell broke loose.
The Impaler passer attempts to field the kick and rolls the dreaded snake eyes. The Caretakers charge forth and scoop up the ball deep in the Impaler backfield. Caretaker star player Jordie Bebe, with an agility of 5, and needing only three strides for the score, attempts a dodge of the last pointy-earred Impaler and FAILS! The ball bounces.
An awaiting Impaler picks up the ball and runs wide right. He heaves the ball deep to a waiting wardancer who catches the accurate pass. With his last possible move of the game, the wardancer runs with all his might toward the Impaler goal but is still two strides short. With no fear, the wardancer "Goes for It" for the first time and succeeds. One stride left and the wardancer "Goes for It" for the second time and FAILS! The ball bounces into the stands in the end zone, and the fans go wild.
In a frenzy and desirous of a victory, the end zone fans heave the ball back into play, but the overzealous elven fan overthrows the pitch, and the ball sails back into the stands at the thirty yard line. Here, more arduous fans throw the ball back into play, and the ball lands on the pitch at midfield.
With one move left, the Caretaker lineman picks up the ball and heaves it deep to Caretaker star player Jordie Bebe waiting in the endzone. The ball sails high, but it is accurate and lands perfectly into the arms of the awaiting wardancer. In just one turn, the ball has travelled from end zone to end zone. The goal ends the game in a 4-3 Caretaker victory.
Dan "Bombs Away" Becker reporting